


Holding a Heart (here where I stand)

by finnpoe-jpeg (crywalker)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: AU, Angst, F/M, Gingerpilot, He has a cousin named cassie, I stole her from O's O's, M/M, Pining, Questioning, Stormpilot, also Finn is Lando's nephew, as usual that's all I write oof, but not that much angst, cause why not?, it's complicated - Freeform, lol, that's my favorite series, they work for an engineering company
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 15:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19337107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crywalker/pseuds/finnpoe-jpeg
Summary: When he sees Rose looking like the picture of smitten with him, he feels his heart break clean into two. He thinks there's probably, maybe no way it will ever fit back together again.He doesn't want to hurt anyone, and yet he's hurting everyone.Finn is trying to figure himself out. Rose is clinging to him for dear life. Poe is finally over him. Everybody hurts for a bit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have been working on this for a while. No idea where it's going. Expect another chapter this week. :)

 

Poe is standing by the coffee machine, taking a rare moment alone away from work. Finn can see his fingers drumming against the counter as he takes slow sips from his mug. Finn knows him well enough. Poe's anxious to get back to work, he concludes. Someone made him take a break, most likely Leia. Finn stifles a giggle as he imagines the General dragging Poe away from the flight room.

 

He sneaks up behind Poe and puts a hand on his shoulder. The commander jolts and sets his mug down before he turns around, sighing in relief. "Oh, it's you, hey Finny." He gives the attorney a quick, one-armed hug. Finn hugs him back tighter than he usually does.

 

Finn smiles at him and he can practically hear the endearments running through Poe's mind. It's common knowledge around the office that Poe is gay, and although he's become involved with a man from a rival company, general hux, everyone knows he likes Finn. He only stopped calling Finn "darling" and "honey" a few months ago when Finn explained that his girlfriend had expressed discomfort at the way Poe speaks to him. It's all "buddy," "pal," and the occasional "Finny" now.

 

"Poe, you look well."

 

The commander furrows his brows and cocks his head at Finn, but plays along with whatever his game is. "So do you, bud." He struggles not to lick his lips while he's looking at Finn's hips. Poe told him once that he wants him to ride his face. Poe isn't exactly very good at censoring himself, let alone controlling his dirty thoughts, which have been to much darker places when it comes to the other man. 

 

Finn leans forward and pulls at the lapels of Poe's brown leather jacket- the same jacket Poe tried to give to Finn before he had a girlfriend, before he knew that Finn was a self- proclaimed "heterosexual." Poe never believed the latter for a second. From his experience, straight guys don't just let other guys call them "honey." Finn even used to "jokingly" call Poe "baby" back. He smiles at the thought. Finn takes a step closer and mutters, "This leather suits you so well, as always," running a finger up the collar. 

 

"Thank you." 

 

Finn winds his arms around Poe's neck now. "You're welcome, commander."

 

"What are you doing?" Poe tries to say, but he's not sure if he actually says it because Finn's moving too fast. His breath is on his lips and Poe's head is swimming. 

 

"Don't worry, you're gonna love it," Finn murmurs.

 

Poe blinks once. Less than a second later Finn's lips are on his and Finn's fingers are playing with the curls at the nape of his neck. Poe can't help but reciprocate, he's wanted this since he met Finn and damn if he isn't enjoying it.

 

Finn pulls back for air, bites Poe's lip. Poe is the one who closes the gap this time, diving back into Finn's mouth again. Finn lets out the softest little sigh and Poe reaches down to grab his ass, because he's wanted to do that for a long time too. Finn smirks into the kiss when he feels Poe's hands on him. 

 

All of a sudden, Poe remembers Rose and how she's been dating Finn for almost a whole year. He remembers the way she cried when he first met her because she just wanted to be enough for Finn, and how she often invites Poe over to hers and Finn's for dinner even though she's obviously so afraid of Finn liking Poe back. And he lets go of Finn's ass and pushes him off of him, breathing heavily and clenching his fists. "Why did you do that, Finn?" He says, his tone even but full of venom. "Why would you do that to Rose? She loves you so much, Finn, you know that. Seriously? You're an asshole."

 

Looking in Finn's eyes, Poe can tell he's still floaty from the kiss, a lazy smile across his face. "I..."

 

Poe can feel his heartbeat in his throat and his hands are shaking. He's angry, but more than that he's afraid. What if Finn is gay? What if he wants him? What if he leaves Rose for him? He could never live with himself if Finn broke her heart. He reaches out and slaps Finn across the face, hard, and then grabs his arm. 

 

"Finn. I’m fuckin’ serious. Why?"

 

"I don't think I'm straight, Poe," he says quietly, avoiding the commander's eyes, still smiling a little. Poe's eyes widen.

 

"You mean-"

 

"I don't know,  Poe, but I know I loved every second of that kiss. And I loved feeling you against my leg, yes, Poe, I know you're hard, no use trying to hide it," he says, Poe reddening and trying to adjust himself as he speaks. 

 

"So.. you know I like you, and you just used me to try and work out your sexuality?"

 

"Are you mad at me?"

 

"I don't know Finn. I have to get back to work, I'll see you later." He tosses his mug into the sink carelessly and stomps away, his flight boots thudding heavily. He slams the break room door behind him.

 

Finn can't stop thinking about kissing Poe for the rest of the day as he tries to do legal work. It gets to the point where his focus is so poor that he stops trying to do work lest he mess up something important, and instead spends two hours on his computer pretending to read emails. 

 

The end of the day comes, and Finn realizes he hasn't seen Poe since their encounter in the breakroom that afternoon. He's a bit disappointed, because they always walk to the parking deck together- even looks for him a bit, asking around if anyone has seen Poe, but no one has an answer. The pilot is nowhere to be found. He sighs sadly and faces the cold outside alone.

 

The guilt doesn't hit until he reaches the front door of his apartment and smells something delicious inside. Rose made them dinner, as she often does, despite the fact that she often works ten hour days at the company she's at, trying to prove herself. He smiles thinking about her. She's so beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and entrancing. She makes him feel like he can do no wrong. But he did. He betrayed her, and it makes him feel gross and uncomfortable in his skin. He wants to take it back, now. He'd rather be confused and broken than hurt her.

 

He pushes open the door. Sweet Jesus. She has music on and she's wearing an apron, her hair cascading over her shoulders. She grins at him, moving her hips to the music as she sprinkles seasoning into something boiling in a pot. "I made chicken, and this is corn on the cob. Shouldn't be more than fifteen minutes." 

 

Finn feels like vomiting as he turns around the hang up his coat and hat on the rack by the door, tucking his scarf into the pocket. "It smells incredible, baby."

 

Finn has never actually felt heartbreak, because he's never allowed himself to fall in so deep with someone that they ruled his world, his emotions. Yet when he sees Rose looking like the picture of smitten with him, he feels his heart break clean into two. He thinks there's probably, maybe no way it will ever fit back together again.


	2. Chapter 2

Poe still remembers the first time he saw Finn Calrissian. He was new to their office, and Leia was bringing him around to introduce him to everyone. Poe was standing by the microwave,  waiting for his lunch to heat up, chatting with Snap and Jessika about pilot stuff.

 

"Hey guys,"  said Leia, startling Poe a little. The three pilots turned, and Poe's eyes met the warmest, kindest ones he'd ever seen. They were brown and he was pretty sure they were sparkling at him, or maybe that was wishful thinking.

 

The new attorney's name was Finn Calrissian. He was black, his dark curly hair cut close to his head, short in stature, wearing a Heather gray suit that surely could not have looked as obscene to everyone else as it did to Poe. They each shook Finn's hand, Poe holding on a little too long and staring at that shy smile on Finn's face. Jess gave him a look when he finally let go.

 

"You're into him. That quick, huh?" Snap ribbed after Leia and Finn had departed to find his new office and Poe had sufficiently stared at his ass. Poe sighed.

 

"You know Temmin, I am sick of your bullshit." After a pause, and a longing glance in the direction Leia and Finn left in, he turned to meet his friend's eyes. "But yes."

 

*****

 

Poe and Finn hit it off immediately, of course. They are both kind, smart men with the same sense of humor. They slowly found themselves spending more and more time together. Poe was more than a little into Finn.

 

See, there was a time before Rose- when Finn used to have a small apartment on Chicago avenue and go to bed alone. In those days, the two men practically lived together. Poe thought it was sickeningly domestic, but he never said that out loud as he lied on Finn's couch with him watching cartoons late at night.

 

Being the smart and intuitive man that he is, there have been very few times in his entire life that Poe Dameron has been genuinely confused. But Finn Calrissian, he was truly a mystery. Poe kept subconsciously looking for clues that his new friend was into men, constantly trying to convince himself that little interactions between them were meant as more than friends. Jess and Snap were constantly trying to rein him in, because according to them, Finn was _‘painfully straight.’_ Poe refused to accept this, of course,  and his friends worried he was setting himself up for heartbreak.

 

They continued to think this day after day as Poe spent countless nights at Finn's place, and rode to work with him,  and went out to lunches with him, and bought him presents. The gifts, Jess could tell, made Finn uncomfortable and confused, but he always accepted them anyway, because he liked Poe and thought he was one of the sweetest people he'd ever met.

 

This all came to a head, of course, when Finn met Rose. He was immediately blown away by her intelligence and skill. She was a programmer working for a new robotics company. That deflated Poe a bit, because he worked with robotics too, and Finn never seemed that excited about Poe's work.

 

(Jess wanted to tell him that this wasn't true, that Finn always listened intently to Poe's rants about math and physics like he hung the moon, despite it being clear that he didn't understand a word he was saying. But she knew that would only give Poe more false hope, and he needed much less of that right now. Poe needed to be as deflated as possible, so then when Finn burst his bubble, it would be a shorter trip down.)

 

Finn fell in love with Rose like you fall asleep. Slowly, then all at once.  Poe looked up one day and realized he was spending a lot more time at his own apartment, and Finn was spending a lot more time at Rose's.

 

"When do I get to meet her?" he asked one day over lunch. Poe rarely ever got to eat with Finn anymore, because he was always going to Rose's job to surprise her. He pretended he wasn't bitter about this, tried to maintain a cheerful demeanor. "Rose," he added, as if there was any need to clarify who he meant. Poe was pretty sure he could say anything and Finn would find a way to make it about Rose.

 

"I don't know," Finn hummed thoughtfully, pulling out his phone. "She's really busy with work and everything, but maybe you could both come over to mine for dinner sometime."

 

Poe realized with annoyance that Finn was looking at Rose's calendar, which he had saved to his phone. "What about Wednesday? Looks like she doesn't have any meetings that night."

 

Poe schooled his face into a mildly pleasant expression, which was all he could manage. "Wednesday works," he said, chest tight. "Excuse me for a second, honey, I think I forgot my heart pills."

 

Poe missed the worried expression on Finn's face and the way he wrung his hands out of concern for his best friend- the person he cared about most in the world.

 

******

 

The dinner went well. As Poe got to know Rose, he was dumbfounded by how much kindness, how much intellect, how much humor could fit into that 5’2” body. He thought that if he were into girls, he’d be in love with Rose, too. It didn’t make him feel better, it made his chest hurt. That may have just been him forgetting his heart pills, again. It was really bad that he forgot, but Finn used to always remind him. Now without Finn around all the time to anchor him, he felt like he was losing his grip on himself.

 

Towards the end of the night, Finn disappeared to take a call from his family, and Poe helped Rose with the dinner dishes. “Thanks for inviting me,” he said, taking the plate she was handing him to dry. “The food was really good.”

 

“Thanks,” said Rose back. “I’ve been watching Food Network and trying new recipes in my spare time.” she laughed. “Silly, I know. I used to want to be a professional chef.”

 

“That’s not silly at all,” Poe countered. “Maybe you really will be a chef someday.”

 

Rose sighed softly. Poe had nothing else to say, so they worked in silence for a few minutes.

 

“I’m glad you and Finn found each other.” Poe said this simply, out of the blue, like he hadn’t been trying to convince himself to say it since Finn left the room. He nodded, solidifying the statement in his head. “I think you two are a good match. You’re both smart and funny and have dreams.”

 

Rose didn’t speak for a full minute. When she did, her voice was wavering like she was trying not to cry. “Thanks, Poe. That really means a lot.”

 

Poe turned to look at her, and her eyes were swimming. She handed him the last plate, moving to sit at the table.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, quickly drying the plate and putting it away before following her and standing across from her. “What did Finn do?” he added, only half-joking.

“Nothing. That’s the point. Finn is perfect.”

“No he isn’t. He makes mistakes just like everyone else.”

“Name one mistake he’s made,” Rose snapped.

“He always confuses the names of Peridot and Lapis from Steven Universe,” Poe said, referring to one of their favorite cartoons to watch together. He smiled slightly, but Rose’s head was in her hands now, the tears flowing freely.

“I just want to be enough for him.”

Poe didn’t know what to say to that, so he stood there with his right hand clutching at his still-sore chest, wondering how he’d gotten into this mess. Finn came strolling back into the kitchen then, rushing to Rose’s side when he realized his girlfriend was upset. “What’s wrong, babe?”

 

The two disappeared to Finn’s room. Poe put all the food away, then slipped out without saying goodbye. To this day, he still does not know what to think of that night.

  



End file.
